Revenge for Hire 4: Mamoru's Bad Trip
by Solarchos
Summary: The misfits of the Dark and Dead Revenge for Hire are at it again. This time their target is none other than one of Sailor Moon's most central characters. Special appearances by some of the last people you'd ever guess!


Revenge for Hire

Mamoru's Bad Trip

by Solarchos

Tellu and Iron Mouse grinned broadly as they observed their handiwork through their binoculars. It would've been easier to use some of the R4H gang as guinea pigs, but Tellu and Mousie would've been painfully lynched afterwards.

Besides, this was much more fun!

Across the street was the apartment the other Animamates lived in. They could just see Lead Crow, Aluminum Siren, Tin Nyanko, Heavy Metal Pappillon, the golden-bitch herself Galaxia, and surprisingly, Luna and Artemis in the living room. All of them were sitting down and staring intently at the table. They were all twitching and jerking uncontrollably, sweating, and their eyes were wild and unfocused. Nyanko's tongue was hanging out and Artemis, his fur standing up, was batting at it like a catnip mouse.

"Oh yeah!" commented Tellu. "Those brownies are taking effect." Earlier, Tellu had finished developing a new tool for Revenge for Hire: "special" brownies laced with some of her famous freaky plant extracts. All she'd needed was to test them out. Iron Mouse had happily informed her about the Animamates' willingness to volunteer and further the cause of science.

_They volunteered?_ thought Tellu, suppressing a snicker. _Yeah, right!_

"Man, those wenches look trashed," said Iron Mouse. "What the heck was in those brownies, anyway? Nyanko looks like she's whacked outta her mind!"

"Can't tell you. It's an ancient witch secret," replied Tellu. "I wonder what's going through their warped little minds right now?"

They looked on eagerly at the rope-fenced ring in front of them. A balding man dressed in a tuxedo stepped out into the center, the lights shining directly on him as he took the microphone that dangled down from above.

"Welcome to tonight's main event!" announced Mean Gene Ocherlund. "This fight is scheduled for one fall. In this corner, weighing in at 275 pounds, the WWF heavy-weight champion…Stone Cold Steve Austin!" The crowd, which pretty much consisted of five hallucinating Animamates and two equally spaced-out cats, cheered. "And in this corner, the challenger, hailing from Canada, at five feet four inches tall and weighing in at 90 pounds…Avril Lavigne!!" A slender teenaged girl with long blonde-brown hair threw up her arms and began dancing around. A stern-faced bald referee stepped out.

"All right!" called out Mills Lane. "I want a good clean fight tonight. Now…let's get it on!" The bell rang and Avril charged at the huge American wrestler who was easily three times her size.

"C'mon, you oversized meat-head! I'll cut you down to size! I'll…!"

WHAM!!! Stone Cold Steve Austin kicked her in the gut, picked her up off the ground, and threw her to the mat. Stone Cold then followed up with a body slam, picked her up again, and hurled her one-handed out of the ring.

Avril had gone down…and the crowd went wild.

Tellu and Iron Mouse burst out laughing as they watched the 'Mates.

"Hoody-hoo!" said Tellu. "They are so wasted. Complete success."

"Can I get some of those brownies?" asked Iron Mouse. "I wanna use some on Chibi-Usa." Iron Mouse started giggling as she envisioned all of Chibi-Usa's hallucination-induced antics.

"Sorry. I don't have enough to start giving 'em out," replied Tellu. Iron Mouse pouted and turned around in a huff. Just then someone began knocking on the door. Beruche, Eudial, Nephrite, and Rubius were the only other people in the room; everyone else was asleep in their shoebox-sized rooms. The four other villains were intently watching TV. The knock came again.

"One of you get that," ordered Eudial.

"Hey! We're performing scientific research here!" protested Iron Mouse.

"So what? We're watching the Terminator!" retorted Nephrite. "This is more important!" Tellu frowned a little and went over to the door.

"Dammit, you guys never get the door," she grumbled as she walked over. She opened the door. "What in the…?!"

Standing outside, looking rather conspicuous in an overcoat and a fedora hat, was a rather nervous-looking Seiya.

"Nice disguise, Seiya," called out a voice from downstairs. "You trying to pass yourself off as Iron Mouse?"

"Shut up, Hotaru!!" he yelled back. He started to say something else, but Tellu grabbed him by the throat and yanked him inside, slamming the door shut and locking it.

Seiya yelped a little as she was tossed onto the table and held down.

"Well, well, well, well," announced Eudial. "If it isn't the number one hermaphrodite on Solarchos' hit list."

"Can I do him…er, her…I mean it?" squealed Iron Mouse, excitedly. "Can I?! Can I!? Can I!?" Without waiting for an answer she pulled out a rolling pin and proceeded to take aim at Seiya's nether regions.

"Wha…?! No! Wait! I wanna hire you psychos for a job!!" shouted Seiya. Nephrite quickly reached over and yanked the rolling pin out of Iron Mouse's hands.

"You can't hire us to attack Solarchos," stated Eudial, "He's got a lifetime membership in our "retroactive vengeance insurance policy"."

"Besides," added Beruche. "He's the author."

"No! No! It's not against Solarchos!" yelled Seiya. "I wanna get back at someone else." Reluctantly, the villains let up the Starlight.

"Okay, we're listening," said Eudial. Just then Esmeraude poked her head out of her room.

"Hey! Shut the hell up!" she shouted. "I'm trying to sleep here and you know I'm not presentable if I don't get my requisite nine hours!"

"Hmph, you're never presentable," grumbled Rubius.

"Bite me, wannabe!" retorted Tellu. "We're in the middle of a job negotiation here."

"Oh? Who's the target?" All eyes were now on Seiya.

"I want you to nail Mamoru Chiba," he/she/it replied. All of the villains facefaulted…then huge smiles slowly formed on their faces.

"Cool! We're finally going to take a crack at Cape-boy!" exclaimed Beruche.

"Count me in!" called out Esmeraude as she happily bounced into the room, wearing only her slippers and robe (fuzzy bunny slippers, to be exact). Meanwhile, Nephrite ran over to Fiore's and Anne's rooms and locked the doors: no reason to spoil the moment.

"Okay, so why do you want to hire us?" asked Eudial.

"What, like anyone really needs a reason to nail Cape-boy?" said Iron Mouse.

"Well, it's a lot of things," replied Seiya. "Corny speeches and the fact that he's the father of Chibi-Usa aside. My main reason is that he's turning Usagi away from me! I'm far better then that dork! At least I can sing…!"

"…I wouldn't go that far…" mumbled Esmeraude. Several people snickered.

"Plus, I'm not a complete dumbass like he is…!"

"…just genderally challenged…" whispered Iron Mouse. More snickers from the villains came in reply.

"I've never been brainwashed. How many times has Tuxedo-dipshit been brainwashed? Three? Four times?" Eudial ran off a mental checklist and counted on her fingers.

"Yeah, something like that," she answered.

"Usagi should be with me!" whined Seiya. "Once Mamoru's out of the way that'll become clear to her. Usagi's not that dumb…"

"Uh, we are talking about "Miss 85" here," remarked Tellu.

"Huh?" asked several people.

"Villuy told me she hacked into the school's records a while ago and came across Usagi Tsukino's information," explained Tellu. "85. It's her IQ."

"Oh!" replied everyone.

"You know, that explains so much," added Eudial.

"Hey! She's got personality! Personality goes a long way!" objected Seiya.

"So how come you're always hitting on Michiru and Kakyuu and Aluminum Siren and every other girl who catches your attention?" asked Esmeraude. Seiya shifted uncomfortably.

"I'm just, uh, mingling with my devoted public," he replied.

"Yeah, right," retorted Rubius. "You're a lecherous, gender-confused, self-absorbed, leather bikini-clad little freak."

"_Freak!!_" chanted Nephrite, doing his best impersonation of Gollum from "Lord of the Rings".

"Hey!! Are you psychos gonna take the job or what?!"

"No one said we wouldn't," replied Eudial. "But it's gonna cost you extra and up-front since Solarchos already wants us to nail you. If you don't want Iron Mouse to get freaky on your ass…"

"Yeah!!!" shouted Iron Mouse.

"…you'd better sign up for an RVIP right now."

"All right! Fine!" Seiya handed over his credit card with a loud sigh, took the clipboard Beruche handed him, and started writing down his info. "Does the word "extortion" mean anything to you people?"

"Extortion?" replied Esmeraude. "We're providing a valuable public service to the community! How could anyone ever think we'd blackmail someone?" Rubius leaned in close to her.

"Solarchos didn't pre-pay a hit on Seiya," he whispered to her.

"I know that but why pass up an opportunity to scam one of the Three Lights?" she replied.

Mamoru's apartment was empty; he hadn't come home from work yet. Suddenly there was a flash of light, followed by a loud crunching, as a telephone booth suddenly appeared in mid-air and hit the floor. Eudial, Esmeraude, Tellu, Iron Mouse, Nephrite, and Seiya eventually managed to pry themselves out. All six of them gasped loudly as they finally took a breath.

"Oh my god, that thing was tight!" wheezed Seiya. "How do you people manage?"

"This is the first time we've ever used the teleport booth," said Eudial. "How the heck did we even manage to fit six people inside it?"

"I don't know and I'm not sure I wanna know," answered Esmeraude. "I would like to know who the hell kept grabbing my butt the whole time?!" She shot an accusing glance at Seiya and Nephrite, both of whom shook their heads (big liars).

"Why do we even need the six of us here, anyways?" asked Iron Mouse as a few of the villains began to look around, making certain Mamoru wasn't there.

"Oh yeah, right, like any of us would want to miss out on nailing Cape-boy?" retorted Tellu as she examined the base of the phone booth. Pieces of splintered wood were sticking out from underneath it. "What the heck did we land on?"

"Uhh, looks like the coffee table," said Iron Mouse as she took a quick look. "Hope it was expensive!"

"Okay, let's spread out and look around," ordered Eudial. "Let's see what we can find out about ol' Mamo-dork."

Esmeraude and Tellu immediately went to the kitchen. While Esmeraude raided the refrigerator and devoured anything sweet, Tellu scrounged through the cupboards, found a nice platter, and set it out on the counter. She then put out all of the "freaky brownies" on it. Giggling to herself, she pulled a card out of her pocket, drew some hearts, crescent moons, and other "cutesy" things on it, kissed it (getting her lipstick on it), and propped it up next to the tray.

"Hearts and crescent moons?" commented Esmeraude with a grimace. "Ugh! That's so sickeningly sweet it's disgusting! Mamo-dork will automatically think it's from Odango-atama. Perfect! Nobody'll suspect a thing!"

"Thank you!" replied Tellu happily. Eudial poked her head in.

"Hey, look what I found hidden in his dresser," she called out. She smiled wickedly as she held up a life-sized inflatable blow-up doll of…

"Haruka?!!" exclaimed Tellu and Esmeraude. Eudial nodded.

"No, I did not plant this. This really was in his dresser."

"Criminey," said Tellu. "Mamoru's as much of a pervert as Professor Tomoe! No wonder Fisheye's after him." Suddenly all three of them heard strange sounds coming from the main room, prompting them all to investigate.

Seiya, Nephrite, and Iron Mouse all stared at the TV, their heads slowly tilting to the side as they watched what was going on. They weren't sure what they were watching, but it had all the fascination of a combination of the Jerry Springer Show and a train wreck. Tellu and Esmeraude saw it and were immediately enthralled.

"What the flippin' hell is this?" asked Eudial.

"Children's programming," replied Nephrite.

"It ain't Teletubbies, that's for damn sure," added Iron Mouse. Seiya had the faint traces of a smile on his face as he handed up a VCR tape box to Eudial. The red witch sweatdropped big-time as she read it.

""The Best of Both Worlds"??! Hermaphroditic porn??!" she exclaimed in disbelief.

"Yup," said Nephrite, nodding. "It was in the VCR." Meanwhile, Seiya's eyes nearly bugged out of his skull.

"What the…?! I think I just saw Taiki in there…!" he yelped.

"You think this is freaky?" asked Iron Mouse, "Check out what I found stashed behind the bookcase." She handed Eudial a magazine. Tellu and Esmeraude took a look at the cover and immediately collapsed to the floor in hysterical, convulsive laughter. Eudial just facefaulted more (if that's even possible).

"Setsuna's on the cover of "Crack-Whore" magazine??!! Holy shit!!" Eudial joined Tellu and Esmeraude on the floor, laughing her ass off. A minute later her cellphone rang. With tears streaming from her eyes she answered it.

"_Hey! Pirate-girl!"_ Eudial recognized Saffir's voice. _"You're lucky I decided to tag along and keep an eye out. Mamoru just drove in and he's on his way up right now."_

"Oh shit!" replied Eudial. "Thanks." She hung up. "Okay, misfits. Mamo-dork's coming up. We've gotta move."

"Shit!!" cried everyone. Nephrite shut off the TV. Esmeraude rapidly tried to clean up the mess she'd made in the kitchen. Tellu and Seiya began throwing pieces of the broken table into the phone booth. Eudial hurriedly re-stashed the Haruka-doll. Suddenly, the phone booth vanished as it teleported out of there.

"What the hell just happened?!" shouted Nephrite.

"I think a piece of table must've hit the controls," replied Tellu. "Sorry."

"Whadya mean, sorry?!!" shouted Esmeraude. "Cape-boy's on his way up here right now and we've got no way outta here!" Eudial's phone rang again.

"Hello?" she asked.

"_It's me again,"_ replied Saffir. _"Things just got worse. Guess who's following Mamoru upstairs."_

"The Odango-bimbo?" asked Eudial.

"_Nope. Far worse."_

"Not the sugar-spore…"

"'_Fraid so."_

"Aww, DAMN!!! Bye!" Eudial hung up and kicked the nearest couch. "You're not gonna believe this! Chibi-Usa's coming up here, too." Everyone screamed in abject terror. Iron Mouse fell to her knees and began crying loudly.

"Nooooo!!" she wailed, "Not her! Anything but her…!!"

"Mamoru'll be here any minute," stated Nephrite. "We've gotta hide!" They all moved quickly. Esmeraude dashed into the hall closet. Tellu climbed into one of the kitchen cabinets. The couch in the living room folded out into a bed. Even folded up, the futon had enough space inside for one person to hide in…barely. Iron Mouse, Eudial, and Nephrite looked at each other…then grabbed Seiya and shoved him inside. It wasn't a perfect fit, but jumping up and down on it a few times (drawing some distressed grunts from Seiya in the process) made certain it looked normal.

Just then the front doorknob began to rattle a little.

The last three villains looked at each other…then ran like hell. Nephrite streaked into the bathroom, leapt into the tub, pulled the curtains shut, and laid down. Eudial and Iron Mouse both dashed into the bedroom and dove underneath, trying to avoid disturbing Usagi's stash of manga.

"Oooo! Gundam Wing!" whispered Iron Mouse as she began sorting through them.

"Quiet!" hissed Eudial.

Mamoru walked into the living room and stopped.

"Where'd the coffee table go?" he asked out loud. He looked around. The door hadn't been damaged, and none of the windows were open. A quick scan of the room found nothing out of the ordinary. He then went into the kitchen and saw the plate of brownies.

"Hmph," he said, smiling. "I think I know who those are from." He opened the refrigerator and nodded as he noticed its "depleted" condition. "Yup, Usagi was definitely here." Laughing to himself he grabbed the milk carton (which had a "Have you seen me?" announcement with a picture of Ash from Pokemon on it) and got a glass from the cupboard.

Tellu nearly freaked out as the cupboard door opened and Mamoru reached in. He took the glass what was a few inches from her face, then closed the door.

Pouring himself a glass of milk, Mamoru grabbed a few brownies and went out to sit down. Happily munching away, he sat down on the sofa.

"Urk…!" He looked around quizzically, then shrugged and started playing the VCR.

A few minutes later there came a knock on the door. Mamoru quickly turned off the VCR and rushed over to the door. Chibi-Usa stood out in the hallway, smiling happily and looking far too cute in her sun-dress.

"Mamo-chan!" she cried as she grabbed his legs in a bear-hug. Mamoru staggered back a little; he was feeling a little dizzy. "Can I come in?"

"Uh, sure," he replied. Chibi-Usa quickly rushed in and hopped onto the sofa.

"Urk…!" Chibi-Usa blinked and looked around, then began bouncing up and down a few times. "Urk…! Urk…! Urk…!"

"Wow. This sofa makes funny noises. Mamo-chan! Where'd you get those brownies?"

"Oh, Usagi was here earlier and left them for me. Would you like some?"

"Since Usagi made them they probably taste like garbage. She probably cleaned out your refrigerator, too." Mamoru sat down, twitching a little as he did so. "Uh, Mamo-chan? Are you all right?"

"Did it get really warm in here all of a sudden?" asked Mamoru. He twitched again, his pupils dilating. Chibi-Usa looked at him, concerned.

"Mamo-chan?" Mamoru looked at her and recoiled, gasping in surprise as Tellu's brownies took effect.

He was still sitting on the sofa, but all around him were raging flames. Chibi-Usa was gone; seated right next to him was none other than Gary Coleman. Gary Coleman looked back at him, smiled, and nodded. Mamoru quickly became aware of insane babbling and turned to where the TV used to be.

The TV was gone, too. In its place was a huge barbecue pit. Over the roaring fires of the grill was a whole pig roasting on a turning spit. Standing behind the pig was the source of the babbling. It was, of all things, a red-colored velociraptor with horns coming out of its forehead. Clutched in its hands were a long-handled knife and a barbecue fork.

"_We eat the pig and then together we __burn_!!" called out the raptor, speaking with the voice of Cheech Marin and staring at him with crazed eyes. "_Burn_!!"

"Whachoo talkin' 'bout, Satan?" retorted Gary Coleman.

"_Come with me_! _You belong with me_! _Burn_! _Burn_!" Mamoru glanced nervously at Gary Coleman who suddenly began cackling maniacally…

Shrieking at the top of his lungs, Mamoru burst out of his apartment and ran down the hall.

"Help me!!" he screamed. "He wants my soul!! Gary Coleman wants my soul!!"

"Mamo-chan!!" yelled Chibi-Usa from the doorway. "Come back! I still wanna play with you!"

"No more sugar!!" came a shout from the closet beside her. The closet door slammed open and Chibi-Usa squealed as Esmeraude put her in a headlock and yanked her inside.

"Okay, I think it's clear," called out Eudial as she and Iron Mouse crawled out from underneath the bed. Tellu came out of the kitchen, Seiya was trying to extricate himself from within the futon (without much success), and Nephrite was still in the bathroom.

"Where's the pink sugar demon?" asked Iron Mouse. As if in response they could all hear muffled thumps and squeals coming from the hall closet. The door suddenly opened and a rather disheveled, but pleased, Esmeraude came out.

"We don't need to worry about the demon-child," she said as she tried to fix her hair. "She's now resting comfortably."

"Where's Nephrite?" asked Tellu. "And more importantly, where's that magazine?" Everyone looked at each other for a moment.

"Ewwww…!!" they all called out, shuddering. Meanwhile, Tellu glanced out the window.

"Hey! There's Mamo-dork! I think he's trying to set his clothes on fire!"

"What?!" exclaimed Esmeraude. She and the rest of the villain-girls rushed over to the window and looked down at the street. Seiya finally managed to pull himself out from the futon and observed as well.

Mamoru was running around in circles in the parking lot, pulling off his clothes, tossing them in a pile, and fumbling with something in his hands. A small crowd was gathering.

"Dude, he's totally tripping!" commented Iron Mouse.

"Hey, isn't that Haruka's car?" announced Eudial, pointing at something down on the street. Seiya nodded. "What's she…?" Suddenly there was a faint screech of tires and they all jerked.

"Oooohhhhh!!!" they all shouted as they watched Mamoru get struck by Haruka as he ran out in front of her car. The impact sent him flying straight into the back of a garbage truck.

"YES!!" yelled Esmeraude and Iron Mouse. Tellu and Seiya just laughed hysterically.

"Our work here is done," commented Eudial calmly. Just then the toilet flushed and Nephrite came out of the bathroom.

"What happened?" he asked. "Is it safe to come out?"

"Yeah, it's safe," replied Eudial. "What the hell were you doing in there that took so damn long?" Nephrite gave her a surprised look. "And where's that magazine?"

"What magazine?" he replied. Meanwhile, Iron Mouse stuck up behind him, pulled up the back of his jacket, and yanked the magazine in question out of the back of his pants.

"Nephrite," she stated. "You're hopeless." Seiya was currently dancing around the room…badly. Esmeraude and Tellu watched him with disgusted looks on their faces.

"God, he sucks," remarked Tellu. Esmeraude just nodded.

"Ha-haaaahh!!" called out Seiya as he bounced around. "That was great! Now Usagi's sure to be mine! This day just can't get better!"

"Don't be too sure of that," cautioned Eudial as she read over something on a clipboard.

"Huh?"

"I was going your paperwork just now and I noticed a discrepancy," she explained. "Simply put, you didn't sign your name at the bottom."

"Huh?!"

"You know what that means…" warned Tellu. Esmeraude gave her trademark laugh as Seiya started seriously sweatdropping.

"Chuu!!!" shouted Iron Mouse. Seiya turned and looked down just in time to see Iron Mouse whip out a rolling pin and smack it into his groin. Shrieking in agony and surprise, Seiya couldn't do anything to prevent Nephrite from punching him in the face. Seiya stared ahead blankly, then toppled to the ground from a light tap from Esmeraude's fan. The last thing he heard before blacking out was the villains laughter…

Seiya awoke to darkness. He didn't know where he was, but it was very tight, there were clothes brushing against his head, and the air was stuffy. It took him a little while to realize that he'd been tied up with duct tape and his clothes were gone. There was also something pushing up against him…

"Uhhh, hello?" he called out. His mouth hadn't been taped shut (which he was grateful for; duct tape would do a number on his beautiful face). "Where are you bastards!?! You can't do this to me! When I get outta here I…!" The something that was pushing up against him suddenly moved…and grabbed him.

"Hi!" said an entirely-too happy voice. "You sound cute. Are you here to play with me?" Seiya suddenly let out a gigantic shriek of pure pants-wetting terror as he realized he'd been tied up and locked in a closet with Chibi-Usa. Oh, the horror…

Eudial tilted her head back and listened intently as they all entered the elevator.

"Now THAT is a beautiful sound," she commented. "Two for the price of one."

"Nice shot with that rolling pin, Mousie," added Nephrite.

"Thanks. I've been saving it for a while now. Hey, Esmeraude, I love your idea about what to do with Seiya." Esmeraude just laughed (much to their discomfort) as the elevator doors closed. Eudial hit the button for the lobby.

"I just wish we could've stuck around long enough to see his face when he realizes we also cut off his precious pony-tail," added Tellu. "NOW this day can't get any better."

The End

for now


End file.
